snicketsiblings

I urge you, gentle followers of this journal of mine, to under no circumstances go out and read The Penultimate Peril, the latest result of my efforts to document the tragic tale of the Baudelaire children, as it will only bring you tears.

Reasonably sincerely,

Lemony Snicket

I understand some people have been concerned as to our whereabouts.

My apologies. Allow me to explain.

Lemony has been busy with several leads on the Baudelaire story, as well as, of course, running from the law, which, he stresses, makes it difficult to access the internet on a regular basis. His laptop was carried off by eagles about a month ago, so as much as we enjoy hearing from and speaking to you all, we can't do it as often as we'd like.

We appreciate your patience, of course - you've all been most kind. Please don't think that just because we can't speak to you through this journal we're dead; negative thinking like that seldom helps.

I myself am currently underground, both literally and figuratively. Internet access here is restricted. Wanda's concern was pointed out to me by a friend, so I've managed a few moments (hopefully) uninterrupted to myself, and I hope this message gets posted safely.

Keep watching for more journal updates. I shall try to make them more frequent, and get my brothers to do the same. I don't know what Jacques's been up to, there's really no excuse for him to be so silent.

Fond regards,

Kit Snicket.

My deepest apologies, again, for disappearing.

Miss D dropped pumpkin pie on my laptop and we had to search for a respectable computer technician. This led to a rather unpleasant incident, and only recently was my computer restored to working condition, courtesy of a mysterious yet trustworthy stranger in a lab coat.

Also, early February is never a good time for me. It being Valentines Day today, I have spent most of the day - as well as the days leading up to this day - weeping in memory of happier times, when I celebrated this day with my beautiful, beloved Beatrice.

Kit and Jacques will be handling your questions this week, as I'm too busy figuring out where to go next, and hunting for tissue paper.

Yours,
Lemony Snicket

Just letting everyone know that I am still alive, no thanks to an incident involving an army of trained squirrels and a sickening amount of cheese.

Does everyone know about sages_of_chaos? It's a community filled with many wise and helpful people. I would like to plug it here, a phrase which means tell you all about it and encourage you to go have a look.

Since Lemony is occupied with his research and Kit is... off doing something important... yours truly will be handing most of the questions this week.

You know the rules by now, and if you don't, you need to work on your reading comprehension. Ask whatever question you want, except for things that would give away details about Lemony's as-yet-unpublished books, and don't expect the answers to be pleasant.

--Jacques

A dozen apologies for not doing the weekly question-and-answer period today; there was an appaling incident involving balloon animals - lots and lots of balloon animals - and I was unavoidably detained.

Therefore, the weekly "Q&A" session shall be held tonight and tomorrow. You may ask your questions now - remember, no details of upcoming books will be revealed, and you will probably not like the answer I give you.

I'm thinking about getting a kitten.

Does that sound ridiculous? My life is so busy and stressful already without a kitten on top of it all... but having something warm and fuzzy to come home to would be very nice indeed. I like to think that it would curl up on my lap while I read.

I can do the most impressive thing.

It took me forever to figure it out - which really isn't a big deal, after all, I'm pretty sure I have quite a bit of time on my hands here - but I can throw things.

Without touching them.

Maybe being dead isn't so bad after all. Now, I can follow Olaf around and throw things at his head. And he can't do anything to me, because he's already killed me.

I like this. I like it very much.

Just for clarification.

I am staying with Miss D and Miss L because they are Volunteers.

I appreciate that you all care enough to open your homes to a known fugitive, but I'm afraid that staying with someone other than a Volunteer would be sheer folly, a phrase which here means "extremely foolish and almost certainly ending in tragedy".

That being said, Miss D and Miss L make for very interesting roommates.

I have not seen much of Miss L. She's either been coming or going each time our paths have crossed, and most of the time she has simply been gone, so our paths have not crossed at all.

Miss D, adversely, has been around constantly, peppering me with questions - "Do you want to see a movie? Are you hungry? Is everything OK?"

The last question, of course, is completely fruitless. I know she means well, though. And she is not trying to kill me, capture me, or get me to marry her, so it's not as bad as it could be.

I fear, however, that this is the calm before the storm. I continue my research, albeit from a distance, and I have had no word from my kind editor in a while - it could simply be that their carrier pidgeon was eaten by a cat, or she does not know how to reach me at this location, but knowing what I know, I fear the worst.

Ah, Miss L has returned. I think I will go ask her if she approached by my contact at that convention she attended today.

Until later, my friends - provided that I am not killed, captured, or forced unwillingly into marriage by then.

Am currently staying with Miss L and Miss D, angrylemur and dongsparty, respectively. I cannot reveal our location, of course, but I do have internet access here, so I will be keeping you all informed.

As vaguely irritating as Miss D can be, she and Miss L have proven themselves to be brave and true friends, and their place is always stocked with Dr. Pepper and pumpkin pie, a fact about which I simply cannot complain.

I am most grateful to the both of you.

I have returned.

I cannot say where I have returned from, but I have returned nonetheless.

Apologies for my absence. Circumstances required that I go far away, and I was unable to take my new laptop with me. Thankfully, Kit sent it to me by bus, so I can let you know that I'm not dead (yet), and for the moment I am safe.

Thank you to those of you who offered your concern and support. And especially to those who recieved my message.

In the distance, I can hear church bells ringing.

My, how they bring back fond memories of times before my enemies destroyed all that I held dear. I know that times are changing, and that those gone can no longer visit me here, yet I am compelled to live with sorrows past; I must continue to write, as my chances for happiness continue to flee away from me.

With a final ring, the bells cease, and all is quiet here - as it should be.

I will start answering your questions now.
Please remember that if I do choose to answer your question, you will most likely not enjoy the answer. I suggest you look at some ponies instead.

If you wish, you may direct questions to my siblings as well.

"Curiosity killed the cat" is a phrase that is used often, usually to stop children from asking irritating questions. It is a phrase that I feel I must use to warn you that taking advantage of the weekly question-and-answer days that start tomorrow will NOT be a pleasant experience.

The answers that I give you will most likely be gloomy, depressing, morose, morbid and downright unnerving.

I in no way encourage you to ask me your questions tomorrow.

And I definitely do not guarantee any answers, so if I choose to ignore your question, please don't be offended - either it made me cry or run away in fear, or both.

It has come to my attention that being dead is boring.

That is all.

Thank you,

-Jacques.

Kit here. Yes, Kit. Not K, thank you.

Just letting you know that from now on my brothers and I will be using icons to indicate who's speaking. Jaques and Lemony each have their own icons, and I will have one soon myself. Check our user pictures to see them.

--Kit.

L. here.

Met K today at a small church in the city, where we lit candles for Beatrice and Jaques. Afterwards, I switched disguises and we had brunch, which was pleasant. Although our visits are still rather sporadic - a word which here means "at random intervals, with a great deal of time in between" - they are becoming more frequent, a trend which I hope keeps up. However, I fear that this may not be the case. I have a ways to go before my name is cleared, and until it is I must sadly stay on the lam, a phrase whch here means "running from the law".

Mr. Handler tells me that since the movie starring that rather unnerving man Mr. Carrey came out, he's been flooded with mail for me. I can only try to express my gratitude for your support, wish you better fortune than I have had, and urge you to test your fire alarms regularly.